To my bipolar disorder named Marv,
I gave you a name all those years ago when I needed someone to scream at as my world crumbled around me. On the flip side, I’ve cheered you on when I’ve felt invincible. In reality, Marv, you have been both a blessing and a curse.
When I was younger, I didn’t know you were playing the role of puppet master in my head. You would hide yourself in thoughts; some so sad that when I was eight, I tried to make them stop…for the first time. As others started to notice your sinister hold on me, you took it upon yourself to show your other side. The pills came and helped ease the terrible things you said, but they awoke your “invincible” self. Speeding down highways at speeds that shouldn’t be clocked by a Hyundai Santa Fe; spending sprees worth thousands of dollars that I couldn’t remember; and welcoming any partner into my life that should me an ounce of attention. You, Marv, made me become reckless, and yet at the same time, you made me feel alive for the first time.
Countless relationships ruined between you and my dear old friend ED – friends lost over actions I wish to this day I could take back. But I wouldn’t let you win, Marv. Try as hard as you did, I claimed victory on you. You, Marv, are my bipolar disorder, but you do not define who am I, what I do, or dictate what I deserve.
Without you and your ups and downs, I wouldn’t be writing this as the person I am today. For today, I’m a strong, smart, loving and passionate person who knows how to cope with whatever you have to throw at me, Marv. And while I would love to officially break up with you and never deal with you again, you, Marv, will be with me until my last breath.
So, let’s make the most of it. When you bring excitement and happiness in my life, I’ll embrace every second of it. When you decide it’s time to feel sad or lonely, I’ll cry and write it out. For you, Marv, will never win.
I’m speaking my truth about my mental health in hopes others will help me end the stigma. This Bell Let’s Talk Day, let’s make a difference. On January 25, every time you talk, text and join in on social media using #BellLetsTalk, Bell will donate 5¢ more to mental health initiatives.